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*this blog writes about the speech ad thoughts in my life. For craps and bullshit that happens in a day, it will be posted in me and my friends’ blog, http://tanleelai.multiply.com.
Good Morning, Malaysia,
As I was watching football, I realised small teams are always bullied by the big four. Chelsea, Liverpool, United and Arsenal always get the favours when they play their home game. Well, life’s damn freaking unfair. Every year, it’s always the big four challenging for the title. Small teams never have the chance in the big league. I think most of the referee will favour the bigger teams. It takes a big effort for the smaller teams to overcome the bigger teams. Come to think about it, small teams are getting better and better. Look at Hull City, they beat the North London double of Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspurs. Spurs just suck, they cannot play football. I hope they get relegated. It’s getting very competitive down the league. Gosh, I think I’m into Australia football ever seen I took over Sydney FC in FIFA 08. Currently, I think Melbourne Victory tops the A-League. Awesome for a country that doesn’t play that much football. Adelaide United is the finals of the AFC Champions league after beating some Uzbek team. They will playing against Gamba Osaka.
I wrote a letter to Sarah, Mr. T’s girl. I wrote to her something about long distance relationship and stuffs like that. Next year, she and and Mr. T will be so far away. I hope they can work out. Do you know why I call her sarah, she reminds me of me being morgan, always beside chuck and sarah from NBC’s Chuck. Go watch it, damn nice. I watched the recent one, with Nicole Richie and Ben Savage both guest starring, Ben plays Nicole’s husband in that episode. She is member of the Russian Mob which married Ben, the nerd which works in USA military unit and wants to steal intelligence from him. He really loves her and when the mob threaten him with his wife’s life, he almost gave them the super bomber plan. How sad to find out the priority and love of your life turns out to betray and cheat you? I think it’s so sad. Love is sometimes sad and painful. I love to watch tv series about relationships and comedy. Something like romantic comedy. I always find it funny yet sweet at the same time. “How I met your mother” is so damn hilarious, ask Mr. T and see, I know he finds it funny.
I found a new hobby in me, which is playing pool, kinda crazy about it right now. I played pool with my utar friends and also kathir and E, I always lose to kat and E, they are way better than me. Kathir told me some life changing story when we’re in coffee bean. Maybe love is not simple after all. Best if you’re not desperate. Anyway, as most of you know, I am not working and currently doing nothing. I made a lot of new findings, if you are into a music, may I introduce an album by Jason Mraz, “We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.” If maybe just a particular song, may I introduce 蘭亭序 by Jay Chao. I don’t really understood the song as it is written in old chinese text, something that I really sucked at during high school. I have been watching tv series like pushing daisies. It is a very interesting show and it’s promotional score is very nice. Try downloading it if you’re interested. Please don’t blame me, I am so bored at home.
Sometimes, Kathir ask me about why I am still lingering in this turmoil. Actually, what I am lingering is in the fact that I’ve gone through the worst year of my life. Thinking back of those months, I think to myself, oh my god, it’s really horrible and bitter. I spent most of my time hanging around without a soul, without a heart and without and life. Then, I started to think back about my life in MRSM, it really sucked. Not because of her or anyone in particular, but because of my mentality I had there, thank God I still have my kathirism intact in me, if not, I will be a government scholarship sucking zombie right now. Even when I am in UTAR, I didn’t really enjoy myself there. Most of time, I hate it there. I cannot really get along with my friends. Embarassingly, once I cried to my mother saying how much I suffer when I studied there because I suck at making new friends.
That day, as I was watching the champions league match between Chelsea and Roma, I saw this computer game championship. I feel so damn weird, adults still playing computer games. Grow up and get a life for god’s sake. I mean, I do play computer games, but now I spent only like 3 hours a week at most playing only FIFA 08 and no more. I quit most of the game I used to play as I think I shouldn’t act like a kid anymore, games are for kids. It’s time to grow up. Anyway, I’ve found a video, still remember how I always wanted lifehouse’s you and me to be played in my future imaginary with no exact wife yet wedding. This is why, it’s clip from Smallville’s prom night. It’s quite romantic. Means it’s still on, baby. Awesome.
I have this funny problem lingering around my mind, still lingering in that pain. I don’t know. Yeah, I mean I tried not to think too much, but some how it still hurts. Everytime I think about the last time I was really happy, I felt sad immediately, knowing that all the past are just stupid lies. Why would people lie? Can a lie really stop hurting someone else? I have a questions for the reader as well, if someone dumps you in a freaking bad way, do you still want to talk to them? Please drop a comment. Have you ever listened Lifehouse’s song? What kathir said is true, lifehouse’s song is very sad. Anyway, a part of me is still wanting for a happy ending in life then part of me also want others to feel happy. Most part of me died like months ago. Good luck. Have you ever wondered what does the salwar kameez, the fringe and the mid-autumn delight has in common? It’s you.
P/S :: Australia.
The tought of the one you love being in someone else’s arm kills,
tanhanjun
That day as me and kathir was drinking at Coffee Bean, he said, “hanjun, I would like to invite you as the first one to come to my Deepavali Open House”, then I replies, “when is Deepavali?”. He gave me the best answer, “I also don’t know.” Kathir reminds me of all the shit our gang of rejected people do during those innocent days. I remember once, I asked, “Hey, kat, do you think any girl want to marry me?”, he replied, “Don’t worry, there is a lot of stupid girls out there.” What the hell? We share a lot in common, we have sisters which kinda sucks. He is going to Macquarie, Sydney next year. I used to have this saying, E is the serious commissioner, kat is the funny commissioner and I am the stupid commissioner. I hope life treats him better. What’s up, Sydney!
My title reminds me of the days, our football team, The All Malaysian Rejects. When I see our picture, I see a pictures with holes, most of them are gone. Jie and ake is in Melbourne. E and Kat is going to Sydney. JT and kenvin are both in California and Iowa, United States of America respectively. I do miss playing futsal, I remember we used to cycle around USJ 2 there after a game of soccer. I remember we played against some guy named John. I remember the game because we were leading much in the game, thanks to goals from our imported players like Ganesha, Da Qiang and Tjit Meng. I remember they always wanted to challenge us because they were never happy losing to us after an hour of game. Soccer and mamak is best combination, either it’s a football match or watching football. We used to go mamak after a tiring game or go to watch football at mamak there. I remember we went to watch the FA Cup final in mamak and E was so pissed when united lost to the one and only Chelsea. Come on, Chelsea.
One thing I wil definitely miss is my college friends, for example, lai, yigang, sim ken yang, christopher and Dr. chang. Chris didn’t really want me to go, he prayed that I failed my exam so I cannot go. I understand, I’m sorry, it’s just that I think a brand new start after that heart breaking months. I have gone through a very painful year. Anyway, yigang is doing good in his studies which I knew all along that the fact that he can do this by his own. He is much more independent than most of us. yi gang loves to usha awek and he always end up bleeding to death. I kinda realised, he likes to say, “Holy……” everytime he sees a hot chick. Lai, I hope you can trust your friend more and one thing, take care of your loved ones. Dr. chang, I need you guys to look after him, he might be crazy for all while sometimes. I hope sim ken yang can help him. I pray that ken yang can find his ultimate purpose in life. I hope he finds true love. I hope he finds magical moments in life to achieve. I hope he knows how good a friend he was to me.
One thing I found out about bags, is guys in the western world thinks sling bags are for girls. True enough, I knew someone that holds a sling bag. What a girl he is. My father thinks the same way too. My father also thinks that wearing two shirts at the same time. He thinks me doing it like a gay. My father don’t see things the way I see. One thing my father enjoy the most is his time studying in New Zealand. I think he really likes that place. Back in 2006, he had the chance to travel to New Zealand for a business trip, I think he seemed very excited. My father spent time in New Zealand backpacking around the south island. Wait, I forgot about the sling bag guy. I knew him. I told him about the sling bag thing. It’s for gays and girls. (please don’t sue me)
Sling Bag Girl
Sometimes I wonder how things end up this way. Trying to bury all through the night seemed very hard, I tried for 9 months. This has to be the worst 9 months I ever been going through. Is it a blessing in disguise? According to close friends, they said it is. We are in two different world. I see it now. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell is going on. Sometimes I don’t like to talk to the past, the past blames me. Well, nobody understands. Yet another day hanging in our favourite coffee place, we had enjoyed most of our time there, this time with the addition of lawrence, the tall guy. I had my usual, pure chocolate ice blended. We talked and laughed the whole time. I think they will here next week. I hope that my dreams will thousand of miles away. I hope the past will find it’s meaning again. I hope E can join us as usual. I hope for many good things for my friend. Hopefully.
我等着泪 来提醒你爱谁,
陈汉俊上
Hello from Shah Alam,
Another morning to wake up too and a plane waiting to depart. It’s 3 am in the morning, I was awaken due to continous biting from a not so friendly mosquito. Sticking out as many fingers I have, I find myself lingering in the same piece of shit. Of course, I am better off compared to 3 months ago. Now, I look back at those times, indeed it was one of the most misleading, saddest and lowest part of my life. Someone I really cared decided to walk out of my life. The other finger is pointing to this girl, a girl that I knew way before anything. She is pretty and very kind. I used to remember waiting for her at the gates of happiness with kathir. I am so stupid that I don’t even have the guts to talk to her. The third finger tells me to focus on my journey from here. It’s different next year. If you don’t see me around, you’ll know why. I guess life’s a destiny, learn to let go and if it’s yours, it will return. Honestly, wished I had someone to talk to about this. Thinking back of those times I’ve spent staying up, things I’ve given up, things that I’ve tried doing, I realised I only can tell the world what I felt, not able to convince them to understand. Well, I guess life’s unfair. I always thought if you work hard, things will turn out right but life just don’t work that way.
I realy wish I could go to sydney instead of other place. I don’t know, since making a life changing path when I went to boarding school and to a local university, I felt I cannot do things just because it’s not so expensive. It made me very unhappy. I am very unhappy this year. Nothing seemed to go my way, everything just suck in their best. I now pay attention to a not so expensive alternative. I think it’s best to go to places like Adelaide, not so expensive. Well, we’ll see what happens next. I haven’t got any reply from Auckland. All in all, I’m just waiting for a better tomorrow.
If I had the money now, I think I would like to have a small trip up to Koh Sah Mui, maybe rent a house for 2 weeks and just relax there. Later, maybe a week in New York. I always wanted to go to New York. From watching movies and tv series, I really want to go to New York, the biggest city in the world. Los Angeles would be fun too, home to Lifehouse. I missed out Lifehouse recent tour to singapore. I didn’t know it was this year, I always thought it wil be held during December. I always wanted to go watch Lifehouse. Next time I guess. One day, one day….
“Won’t Go Home Without You”
I asked her to stay but she wouldn’t listen
She left before I had the chance to say
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it’s far too late, she’s gone away
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: “Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?”
Hard to believe that
It’s not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won’t go home without you
The taste of your breath, I’ll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake
The weight of things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday
Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go
I wish the people I don’t see much are there for me now. It’s just that there is so many things I haven’t been able to tell. To my friends in Australia, I really wish I could see you again. I think maybe I could. Akil, jie, yi jien and laila, I hope I can see you guys soon. To my classmates from mrsm, I really hope that life would bring the justice and peace to you. I know life is difficult to some of us. I feel it too, I know life’s unfair to us in many ways. Do you believe me? Sometimes we need disappointment, grieve and failure to make us understand the true meaning of sadness. I finally understood, I hope you don’t have to go through what I’ve gone through to feel the pain. Sometimes, this is just a common, regular and ordinary pain. I also miss my seafield friends, most of them are already in overseas. Funny, thinking about it, most of my friends from seafield went to overseas, like Stanford, Drake, Manchester, Kent and so on. Of course, there are still those who stayed back. Going to overseas is very expensive especially after the petrol price hike and inflation. In contrast, a lot of my malay friends from mrsm went to overseas on scholarhip. I overheard, you need to work for the government for 6 years or more if you’re on JPA scholarship, not sure whether it’s good thing. Weird, everyone in seafield never talk about scholarhip or craps like that. People in mrsm are more hardworking, definetely, but I don’t think smarter. I used to have this saying, if we continue to practice the crazy lifestyle in mrsm, I think our brain get smart but our head gets dumb. We have our whole life to study but we only have one time to be 18 years old. Honestly, after hanging out with akil, kat, ej and my junior high buddies, I totally think that going to mrsm might not be the correct choice after all. They made me realise that I missed out on things that I would rather be in. I’m a subang boy. Not trying to promote subang jaya, but I can see people in subang are different from the mrsm people I know, it’s like two opposite group of people. Their ideas, speech, hope, lifestyle, targets and visions are not the same. I don’t know how to put it in words, but maybe being a subang boys is what I am. I shouldn’t have wasted your time. For one year, I never really hanged out with my entourage from subang. I am so sorry. I guess I’m just dreaming of the red chamber.
p/s :: there used to be this malay friend of his in mrsm who thinks the name “hanjun” is hard to remember and pronounce, she called him “charlie”. kinda cool name but I think he is dead.
live life and died once,
hj
